Thursday, July 9, 2015

Fighting!! 화이팅 (Korean for "You can do it!!")

So,  you haven't heard from me in awhile... Bet you are wondering, what the heck happened to Bekah?

Well, the truth is, I think that I have or had lost my way a little...  Or a lot.  How do I begin?  First let me just say that this will be a little more serious than some of my other posts.

I don't actually think that I can do this.  I don't feel that I can actually learn a language, I have never thought of myself as a smart person... In fact I thought that I was dumb most of my life.  Learning a language that is not even close to my native language?  Why didn't I just say that I was going to walk to Korea in one summer... LOL... I am drowning either way.

So, let me back up...  I started to doubt myself about two weeks ago...  Depression hit me...and  this has been affecting multiple parts of my life.  Here's the thing about people who struggle with depression, we struggle with it.  It's not something that we overcome and then it is's the monster under the bed that keeps poking its ugly head out.  And we that fight with it, fall down and we have to find the courage to stand up again.  This is normal. It's normal for me to have down days or weeks or months...  But it's about what I do with those times that matter.  It's about whether I let that get me down or if I stand back up.  It's about whether I let that draw me away from God or get closer to Him.   If I let it take me away from my dreams or fight harder for them.

Why did I get down?  A lot of reasons... I am moving.  I am not looking forward to this... My apartment is WRECKED right now... It looks like a large explosion has happened as I am trying to pack.
The world has gotten crazy around  me and I am not sure what to do with it.  I have had some personal issues with some friends and I am really just super scared about the future... I want to go to college and I want to become an actual librarian...and  I am so scared to even begin to believe that I can do this... I mean I am 27 and I have never gone to college... Why start something if I am not going to be able to make it...  I think that it all comes down to fear.  Things are changing so fast around me and this has gotten me down and that made me slack off on things like my Korean lessons and THAT made me feel like a failure...  Because good, perfect, pretty people don't struggle with depression?  Right... They don't have times when they fail and fall down, they don't ever slack off on commitments?  RIGHT.....

So...  the truth is I have failed to blog and/or work on my Korean for two weeks...  I have been down and  I have let the future and even the past dictate who I am and what I am doing..  This can't be the end of the story... I have to at least try to get back up again.

In Korea, there is a saying it's, Fighting!! it means "You can do it!" This is a huge one for me, because I am always saying "You can do it!! You got this!"  to the people around me, even strangers.  I have also been known to say "You can do it!" in my sleep... when a friend was pulling an all nigher on her paper.

Maybe it is time for me to say, Fighting!  (Or rather, Hwaiting! As it is actually pronounced.) To myself.   Maybe it will be messy and maybe I will make mistakes and maybe I won't even make it...But I will have tried.   Maybe I will fail but as one of my favorite bands SuperChick says, "Failures are flyers who've touched down, only they know what it is like to leave the ground."  
I can't do this on my own...  But as another favorite band, FT Island (a kpop band) says, " So I won't lose my way... I'll pray, I'll pray, I'll pray..."  That's the ONLY way I can make it.

For those of you that are struggling with something... Who want more or need to get back up... Who feel like the fight is lost and you can't make it... Take it from someone who has failed A LOT.  You can make it... You were created in the image of a good and great God... And He hasn't given up on you.  And neither have I. Right now I am at a coffee shop with a friend who is also trying to get back into her art... We made a coffee date to work on our own things...together.   So if we can do it so can you!!   Fighting!! 화이팅

So let's get up and be awesome... Failure or not.. That's what we all are... Awesome.

Fighting!!  To be continued...